To The Breaking Point

It has been a while since I wrote last. Since it has been so long, I figured it would be a great time to start writing. In this time that I have been away so many things have happened, some good and some bad.

Everyone has a breaking point to where they cannot handle anymore, they are about to breakdown. Some people know where their breaking point is, I think I have reached my breaking point. And, if I haven’t I am reaching it soon. It seems that my relationship is where I am breaking. We all go through so much in our lives and it seems like these past couple years have been really hard on me. Having difficult times in our lives bothers us all, but not having someone to talk to about it seems to make it more difficult. 

I have never been very good about opening up to someone and talking about what is bothering me. Especially when I am in a relationship with someone, I know that is my weakness and does hurt my relationship. When I was young and growing up I was open and very social, but all of that has changed the older I get. It all started when my dad started physically abusing me, that has really affected my life. It has made me strong and be able to take pain, physical and mental, that has been my environment ever since I was a little kid. Dealing with physical abuse as a kid is very difficult, and I almost seem broken because every father figure I have had in my life has physically abused me.

When I met my boyfriend, the first guy I have ever loved I thought that changed. When we first met and the first several months we were together he was so nice and would take me places. Now, it seems like all he does is mentally abuse me and does not want to be seen with me. It seems that each day that passes the meaner he gets. He doesn’t understand why I cry and shut down when he yells, but when someone is in my face yelling I can’t help but shut down. He is the type of person who can say the most hurtful things and 5 minutes later he is back to normal and does not understand why you are still upset. I think I have cried almost everyday for the past couple of months, and I do not think it is worth it anymore. 

We do not go anywhere, and when we do one of us always sits in the car, we are never together in public. He does not think it is a big deal, but it makes me feel like he does not want to be seen with me. It hurts. Girls want to go places with their boyfriends and want to feel special and loved. But, I just feel unwanted and unloved. He has told me to kill myself so many times so no one will have to deal with me anymore, it gets to me. I do not think I can deal with it anymore. 

I am not sure I can deal with it anymore, am I at a breaking point? The negatives that he does is starting to outweigh the positives he does. Maybe I just need to figure myself out for a little while? I used to be the happiest person and always smile, but it seems like the smile that I put on my face is fake. I don’t think I am truly happy like I think I am. I don’t remember when I last was. All I want to be is happy and to feel wanted, but it seems that everyone I have in my life makes me feel the opposite.

 

Until next time,

Hannah

May

The month of May has been great to me so far, this is my month. 🙂 

I have been unemployed since the middle of January, and have been looking for jobs since while I focus on my schoolwork. Since February I have been trying to get a job as a Pharmacy Technician, and while trying the get that job I have been applying for other places. Last night I had an interview at a small restaurant by my house and I got the job. About 30 minutes ago, I got a call telling me I got the Pharmacy Technician job. So being unemployed for about 4 months, now I have 2 jobs. I could not be happier. 

So now I have 2 jobs, I am doing very well in college, and I turn 20 next Saturday. 😀

May you have been great to me, thank you. Now I am ready to see what this rest of this month brings me, as well as the rest of the year.

I hope your month is going fantastically!

 

Until next time,

Hannah

Formula One

I have never been big into racing because to me racing was Nascar, and I do not get Nascar, why would you want to drive around in an oval for several hours? That sounds extremely boring and the only excitement was when you cause a wreck. But this is just my opinion. About two years ago I met my wonderful boyfriend and he watches racing and now I am hooked. But it is not Nascar, it is endurance racing and Formula One, those are the two main categories of racing that we watch. After I understood all the basics and what exactly they were doing, I really enjoyed watching it. 

So last week I decided to get Google Chrome rather than keep using Internet Explorer. So after I got it I was looking at all the Apps I could get for it, and messing around and seeing what it is all about. After searching the Apps for a little bit, I came across a Formula One App. I was really excited that I came across it and was looking at what it does, and I couldn’t have been happier and more excited! I clicked on the app, and it tells me when the next race is and it counts down! So instead of always going to the website and seeing where they are racing next, which is Bahrain, I can just click on the F1 button on Google Chrome. So in 10 hours, 7 minutes, and counting the race will begin. 🙂

 

 

Until next time,

Hannah

Thursday

How is everyone’s day so far? My day is going very well! I cannot wait for the weekend, I keep thinking today is Friday. 

Lately I have been watching TV shows since I do not work, and just go to college until I find a job. It has it perks because you can pretty much do whatever you want because you really have nothing to do. But, do you really want to have nothing to do every single day? It gets kind of boring and lonely sometimes. So throughout the day I just watch TV and catch up on everything I have missed. So far, I am on The New Girl, Hell’s Kitchen, Breaking Bad, NCIS, Criminal Minds, The Bates Motel, Parks and Recreation, and The Office. All of these shows are fantastic! I recommend you watch them if you have not already. And most of them have a numerous amount of seasons so it will pass your time easily! 🙂

 

Until next time,

Hannah

Today

Have you ever had one of those days where things keep happening and it just piles up and makes your day get worse and worse? That is how today is, it has been a very difficult day. 

Recently I had to move back in with my mom so I could save my relationship with my boyfriend. The relationship I have with my mom is I can only see her occasionally because we constantly fight and do not get along. 

I have the type of personality where when things go wrong I just keep to myself and hold my frustrations in. Gradually the frustrations build up and then I finally let go of everything that I have been holding in. It can be weeks, months, or even years of things that I have been holding in. Today, I let go of all the things that have been building up for the past couple of years. I know when something happens I should act on it then, but I can only hold it in. I try my best to not let people know how I am feeling and that something is bothering me. 

I do not like showing my emotions, especially when I am upset. Mainly because I cannot talk about how I am feeling, I like keeping to myself on subjects like this. The reason I am writing about it now is because I can write and no one is criticizing me to my face. Usually I will just keep a smile on my face and act happy so people do not ask me questions. That is what I have done most of my life, and that is what I have come accustomed to. Honestly, I do not know what being truly happy is because I have faked being happy for so long, and that is what is normal for me.

 

Until next time,

Hannah

Storms

When it comes to thunderstorms I am the biggest baby. Conveniently, there is a tornado watch where I am, yeah freaking out over here. I hate storms, always have and I always will. I am not at home where I normally would be and would feel better with my boyfriend. I am being an amazing daughter and house sitting/dog sitting for her in the middle of nowhere on the lake. Is it normal that storms bother me when I am about to turn 20? I guess it may be a phobia? 

I was in the middle of watching scary movies, because that is my all time favorite genre of films other than foreign movies, but I figured I was scared from the storm so I should probably watch something light-hearted. Now, I am watching Ridiculousness and passing the time away until I finally get somewhat sleepy. But, I forgot my melatonin which helps me fall asleep and stay asleep during the night, so I am guessing I will be up for most of the night. 😦 

I just finished all of my homework that was due today, so I really can’t do my schoolwork. But I do have a paper due Saturday so I suppose I could work on that during the night. I hate writing papers, and I have several due every week for the next 9 weeks! 😦 

 

Until next time,

Hannah

My First Blog

This is my first blog and I really am not sure how these work, but I have wanted a blog for several years and now I finally made one. I do know that I will write about my life, what I have experienced, my travels, recipes I cook, and other topics as well.

I am 19 and a sophomore in college studying Criminal Justice hoping to become a Police Officer. So far, my life has been difficult, but I use that as a learning experience and it only makes me wiser and smarter. I have a 5 month old Blue Nose Pitbull that weighs 40 pounds, he is my baby and I love him to death. I would say my life is pretty interesting and making people life is how I live my day-to-day life. The more I write, the more you can learn about my life and about me. It is difficult for me to talk to people around me about my life because they always give me negative feedback or do not even listen to what I need to talk about, and that is why I am going to start writing about it. I hope you enjoy it.

 

Until then,

Hannah