It has been a while since I wrote last. Since it has been so long, I figured it would be a great time to start writing. In this time that I have been away so many things have happened, some good and some bad.
Everyone has a breaking point to where they cannot handle anymore, they are about to breakdown. Some people know where their breaking point is, I think I have reached my breaking point. And, if I haven’t I am reaching it soon. It seems that my relationship is where I am breaking. We all go through so much in our lives and it seems like these past couple years have been really hard on me. Having difficult times in our lives bothers us all, but not having someone to talk to about it seems to make it more difficult.
I have never been very good about opening up to someone and talking about what is bothering me. Especially when I am in a relationship with someone, I know that is my weakness and does hurt my relationship. When I was young and growing up I was open and very social, but all of that has changed the older I get. It all started when my dad started physically abusing me, that has really affected my life. It has made me strong and be able to take pain, physical and mental, that has been my environment ever since I was a little kid. Dealing with physical abuse as a kid is very difficult, and I almost seem broken because every father figure I have had in my life has physically abused me.
When I met my boyfriend, the first guy I have ever loved I thought that changed. When we first met and the first several months we were together he was so nice and would take me places. Now, it seems like all he does is mentally abuse me and does not want to be seen with me. It seems that each day that passes the meaner he gets. He doesn’t understand why I cry and shut down when he yells, but when someone is in my face yelling I can’t help but shut down. He is the type of person who can say the most hurtful things and 5 minutes later he is back to normal and does not understand why you are still upset. I think I have cried almost everyday for the past couple of months, and I do not think it is worth it anymore.
We do not go anywhere, and when we do one of us always sits in the car, we are never together in public. He does not think it is a big deal, but it makes me feel like he does not want to be seen with me. It hurts. Girls want to go places with their boyfriends and want to feel special and loved. But, I just feel unwanted and unloved. He has told me to kill myself so many times so no one will have to deal with me anymore, it gets to me. I do not think I can deal with it anymore.
I am not sure I can deal with it anymore, am I at a breaking point? The negatives that he does is starting to outweigh the positives he does. Maybe I just need to figure myself out for a little while? I used to be the happiest person and always smile, but it seems like the smile that I put on my face is fake. I don’t think I am truly happy like I think I am. I don’t remember when I last was. All I want to be is happy and to feel wanted, but it seems that everyone I have in my life makes me feel the opposite.
Until next time,